SNUFF FILM
I love snuff films. The acting is real, the plot is easy to follow, and there’s absolutely no way there will be a shitty sequel.

I DRINK IN MODERATION
"MODERATION" IS AN IMAGINARY
PLACE THAT EXISTS WHEREVER I AM
I drink in moderation. You kind of have to when you’ve only got 1 kidney and half
a liver.

ASSHOLES LOVE YOU
EVERYONE ELSE THINKS YOU'RE JESUS
Mom always told me to be like Jesus. So I stab midgets and punch babies. He did that, right?

YOUR MOM
RATED E FOR EVERYONE
She was rated DTDDE, but that was too long, so they changed it to "Everyone" instead of "Desperate Truck Drivers and Denny’s Employees."

I WANT TWO IN THE PINK
AND ONE IN THE STINK
This is exactly like my actual Uncle Sam. Except I don’t have a "pink", so he just put all three in the stink.

I SUPPORT SINGLE MOMS
It's time to sit down and declare your support for single moms. Won't you lend a lap?

DONKEY PONCH
This is why Ponch was always more popular than Jon. Well, this and Ponch always threw coke parties in the evidence locker.

I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE
WITH MIDGETS
Q: How many midgets does it take to change a light bulb? A: Midgets don’t use light bulbs. They have night vision.

FUCKING CLASSY
They say money doesn’t buy class, but they’re dead wrong. One look at my Dale Earnhardt shower curtain and Victorian style meth tub proves it.

SWALLOW OR IT'S GOING IN YOUR EYE
It’s unfair to make you choose one or the other. My loads are so big you can swallow a pint and there’ll be plenty left for your eyes.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE GAY
TO LIKE BUTT SEX
The fact that she won’t get pregnant is great, but the real reason for anal sex is that you don’t have to look at her hairlip.

I'M THE ONE YOU GOTTA BLOW
TO GET A DRINK AROUND HERE
You know what? I'm a pretty generous person. I'll go ahead and get you two drinks. Three if you promise not to call.

HOPELESS ROMANTIC
SEEKS FILTHY WHORE
And if the hopeless romantic's search is successful, he will soon after begin his search for ointments, antibiotics and a rare shampoo that comes with a very little comb.

IF I HAD BALLS THEY WOULD BE BIGGER THAN YOURS
At first glance this appears to be a "girls only" shirt, but don’t forget about the Eunuchs (like God did).

WORDS ON A SHIRT
"We need to get these mutha fuckin’ words off my mutha fuckin’ shirt!"

WHITE FLOUR!
"Nuthin' says lovin' like being shoved in an oven!" He got poked in the stomach one too many times, which is exactly how Hitler got started.

COOKIE CUTTER
C is for cookie. V is for the void in my life. This message brought to you by the
number 2. The number of cuts on each wrist.

THIS SHIRT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE...
AND NEITHER DOES THIS APPLE
This reminds me of the time Walter Cronkite shaved my balls while my gerbil said the alphabet backward. Then again, everything reminds me of that.

AT LEAST LIFE SUCKS FOR FREE
And I don’t have to meet life’s parents or hang out with life’s annoying friends. Also, life never charges me with spousal abuse.

I LOVE (heart) REDUNDANCY
Redundancies are annoying. Terms like "good blowjob," "funny midget" and
"slutty Sheila."

IF A FAT GIRL FALLS IN THE WOODS
DO THE TREES LAUGH?
Life is filled with existential quandaries. Like "Who let the dogs out?" and "Where’s the beef?" And "Why does my wife stay in an abusive relationship?"

DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS
IT'S NOT NICE TO PICK ON RETARDS
Can you blame Mexicans for border jumping? If you peeked over a fence and noticed that even retards can get rich you'd do the same.

GO LOCAL SPORTS TEAM
AND/OR COLLEGE!
Show your support for your favorite overpaid athlete and/or subpar student!

πMP
"Bitch betta’ have my money! And she betta’ remember to factor in the costs of condoms and multiply by .2 to figure out her cut."

WHO NEEDS BIG TITS?
WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASS LIKE THIS
I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut. I never saw you, but you violated me, you bastard jellyfish.

STOP CLUBBING BABY SEALS
They never buy a round, they dance too close, and their breath smells of herring.

TO: WOMEN - FROM: GOD
You know that you're God's gift to women. Now you have the shirt to prove it.

BAAAAAA MEANS NOOOOO!
You always hurt the one ewe that you love, unless you use ewes that use lube.

I BET YOU'LL VOTE NEXT TIME HIPPIE
Did you vote with the majority...and stay home? Nice going.

CANADIANS ARE EH'HOLES
Let’s see... A joke about Canadians... geez, I’ve got nothing. This is like trying to make fun of a tree or a river. Call me when we add a retard shirt.

THOUSANDS OF MY POTENTIAL CHILDREN DIED ON YOUR
DAUGHTER'S FACE LAST NIGHT
It’s good to let your kids experience new things. I usually just let them play in my socks or swim in my toilet.

YOU CAN'T HAVE MANSLAUGHTER WITHOUT LAUGHTER
Laughter is the best medicine. That is, next to any sort of actual medicine.

DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE
GET ME A BEER
Once you’ve done that you can go back to grad school. Just kidding. Get me another fucking beer.

HE LOVES THE COCK
When your cock knows that you love and respect him, he will want to be with you. He'll sit on the porch in the evening and preen himself, sure signs that he feels at home.

IF THIS IS ON YOUR FLOOR TOMORROW... WE TOTALLY FUCKED
(now go make me some breakfast, bitch)
Make fucking an important part of your balanced breakfast. Stick milk, juice, toast, cereal, and a grapefruit up your ass.

THE FUNNIEST THING ABOUT THIS SHIRT IS THAT BY THE TIME YOU REALIZE IT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING IT'S TOO LATE FOR YOU TO STOP READING IT YOU DUMB FUCK

I KNOW VIOLENCE ISN'T THE ANSWER
I GOT IT WRONG ON PURPOSE
"Cut off your head and shit down your throat. I'm sorry, Alex. WHAT IS cut off your head and shit down your throat?"

THIS SHIRT IS ONLY BLUE WHEN
I'M THINKING ABOUT DWARVES
If a dwarf buys this shirt, I’m sorry to say that this shirt will simply burst into flame immediately after you put it on. I’m kidding. We don’t sell to dwarves.